Day 29: Life's little bloopers

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 29: Life's little bloopers

People often wonder if there’s intelligent life ‘out there’. The question is, is there intelligent life here on earth?

For instance …

I was at the mall yesterday. I had a nail appointment at 3:00 p.m. and since I was a bit early, I was killing time by looking into store windows.

I came across one store with a selection of golf shirts. I stopped and had a closer look.

A woman passed me, went into the store and started speaking to a man. The man in question was dressed in shorts and a golf shirt, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. He sat slightly hunched over on a box, had earphones in, and seemed engrossed in something on his cellphone in his hands.

The woman approached him and said, “Excuse me.”

When there was no reaction from the man, she repeated, “Excuse me.”

When the man didn’t respond she became a little agitated and persisted with, “Excuse me, do you work here? I need some help.”

Still no reaction.

With another “Excuse me,” she touched him lightly on the shoulder. That's when she realized what I had known all along … the seated man was a dummy, a mannequin!

After a quick look over her left and right shoulder, she made a swift exit. Nobody had seen that, right.

While I admit that some women’s elevator doesn’t quite go to the top, there are dumb men too. I should know, I met one the other day.

I went to the mailroom, to pick up some documents from one of four multi-purpose copiers and found a man staring at one of the machines. It was quite obvious that he had a problem.

While waiting for my documents to finish printing, I kept an eye on him.

He placed some papers in the top tray, tapped them lightly so they were nicely lined up, pushed one button and then another button and then waited. When nothing happened, he let out a long sigh and removed the papers.

He went through the process again, placing the paper in the top tray, making sure they were lined up properly, followed by a push of two buttons. When the machine remained dead still, the man’s frayed nerves got the better of him. He did what so many people do in a stressful situation … he started talking to the machine.

“What’s the matter with you, you stupid thing,” he mumbled. “The papers are there, I pushed the buttons, now start faxing!”

“Problem?” I enquired politely.

“I don’t know what this stupid thing wants,” he turned to me, while helplessly raising his arms the way a bird would flap his wings. “I’ve tried three times now and this machine just doesn’t want to fax.”

“Can you show me?” I asked. “Maybe you’re forgetting a step.”

“I feed the papers in the tray like so,” he demonstrated, placing the documents for the fourth time in the top tray, “I make sure they’re all lined up, then I hit the Fax button and then the Start button.

“Are you sure you have the right fax number?” I wondered.

“Fax number?” he said with a frown.

“The number of the recipient,” I said. “The person you’re sending the fax to.”

We both looked at the printer/scanner/fax’s computerized screen and we both knew right away what the problem was … no number had been keyed in.

If this had been a blond woman, and a man had witnessed such a mistake, she’d never heard the end of it. Fortunately for the man, I have a more discreet nature, although I must say, feeling a giggle tugging on my jaw muscles, I’ve never left the mailroom in quite such a hurry.

Day 28: Kingdom of the Blind – Louise Penny

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 28: Kingdom of the Blind – Louise Penny

I recently received a gift … two books: 'Kingdom of the Blind' by Louise Penny and 'Trust Me' by Hank Phillippi Ryan.

These were not the kind of books I would have selected, but since they were given to me I decided to read them. I started with 'Kingdom of the Blind.'

The book is set in Montreal, Quebec and it soon became clear that Louise Penny was indeed Canadian. This was a new experience for me. I usually read British authors and from time to time American. Never ever had I read a work from a Canadian author.

This was because many years ago I had read or rather tried to read a book by Margaret Atwood and I couldn’t get into it. Perhaps I was too young, perhaps it was the wrong time, I have no idea, but I didn’t like her writing at all. I never read a Canadian author again. I don’t think there are many Canadian authors, to begin with.

Louise Penny surprised me though. Her story grabbed me right from the beginning. There’s something deeply satisfying reading about a harsh Montreal winter in the middle of a hot Toronto summer.

Synopsis:

When a peculiar letter arrives inviting Armand Gamache to an abandoned farmhouse, the former head of the Sûreté du Québec discovers that a complete stranger has named him one of the executors of her will. Still on suspension, and frankly curious, Gamache accepts and soon learns that the other two executors are Myrna Landers, the bookseller from Three Pines, and a young builder.

None of them had ever met the elderly woman.

The will is so odd and includes bequests that are so wildly unlikely that Gamache and the others suspect the woman must have been delusional. But what if, Gamache begins to ask himself, she was perfectly sane?

When a body is found, the terms of the bizarre will suddenly seem less peculiar and far more menacing.

But it isn’t the only menace Gamache is facing.

The investigation into what happened six months ago―the events that led to his suspension―has dragged on, into the dead of winter. And while most of the opioids he allowed to slip through his hands, in order to bring down the cartels have been retrieved, there is one devastating exception.

Enough narcotic to kill thousands has disappeared into inner city Montreal. With the deadly drug about to hit the streets, Gamache races for answers.

As he uses increasingly audacious, even desperate, measures to retrieve the drug, Armand Gamache begins to see his own blind spots. And the terrible things hiding there.

So as I said, the story grabbed my attention from the beginning, held it all through the 500 something pages, and became a frantic page-turner near the end.

I will definitely read other books by Louise Penny and her central character Armand Gamache, Chief Inspector of the Surete du Quebec.

When Kingdom of the Blind was finished I started 'Trust Me' by Hank Phillippi Ryan.

Synopsis:

CAN YOU SPOT THE LIAR?

An accused killer insists she's innocent of a heinous murder.

A grieving journalist surfaces from the wreckage of her shattered life.

Their unlikely alliance leads to a dangerous cat and mouse game that will leave you breathless.

Who can you trust when you can't trust yourself?

Interesting, right? And yes, the story is interesting, but unfortunately, Hank Phillippi Ryan writes in the style of Stephen King. Allow me to explain … 

Many years ago I picked up 'Duma Key' by Stephen King, where the main character has lost his arm. He rages and rages against the loss of this arm for … I can’t remember, the first 40 pages or so. Eventually, I wanted to scream … “Alright already, I get it, you’re mad about your arm, get over it and get on with it.”

Hank Phillippi Ryan does the same thing. She suspects that a woman murdered her 2-year-old daughter and continues to spew her venom page after page after page. She herself has lost her husband and daughter in a car accident year ago and she's not coping with the loss.

So while the book is interesting, her hatred toward the suspected killer and her grief somewhat spoil the story.

I’ll continue reading because I want to know what happens and how it all ends, but I really hope the author eases up on her snipe remarks and prejudice. She wants the reader to think the woman killed her daughter, she wants to convince her readers, but she's overdoing it. It becomes annoying. 

I'll keep you posted on my findings ones the book is finished.

Day 27: Keto diet and other nonsense

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 27: Keto diet and other nonsense

It always amazes me how people are obsessed with their health. This is good for you and that is good for you, this is bad for you and that is bad for you. The various articles online don’t help either: healthy summer, exercise yourself to better health, lose weight and feel healthier … I get sick it!

These days it’s all about the Keto diet and how it can make you lose weight. Before trying this diet, one should read about the 7 dangers of the Keto diet. 

Those who want to lose weight should pay attention to what they eat, exercise on a regular basis or have their thyroid checked. Losing too much weight too fast can have a devastating effect on one’s health and physique.

As for staying healthy …

Many years ago I worked with a woman named Natalie. I didn’t know her well, I merely saw her every day in the company’s cafeteria. While the majority of the people were served soup and a main course and helped themselves to salad, fruit, and cheese, Natalie only ate the main course and salad.

She only drank water, she exercised regularly and a piece of candy never passed her lips. She looked great and stated that she felt great.

At the age of 37, she died. One morning she got up, got ready for work, collapsed and died.

Then there’s Mary. Mary didn’t feel well, went to the doctor and was diagnosed with diabetes. She came home, extremely upset. Mary loved candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. and the prospect of never being able to enjoy these treats again had her very upset. While her mother made her a cup of tea Mary went to have a shower. She fell in the shower, her hair clogged up the drain and she drowned.

Next up, Margaret. After a hip replacement, Margaret still battled with walking and it was decided that she should go and live in a retirement community. Margaret wasn’t keen on it, she loved her house, her garden, and her freedom. Still, she saw the benefits of living with 24-hour assistance. 

When Margaret joined the retirement community, she was issued an alarm system that she was to wear around her neck at all times. She merely had to press the alarm button and a nurse would come running. One day Margaret fell, the alarm system got caught on something and Margaret was strangled.  

As for my family … they never paid attention to anything. They ate, drank and smoked whatever they wanted. Mom lived to be 84, dad died at 88. Their parents all lived to be 90+.

So tell me, who will live longer? Those who are obsessed with their health or those who enjoy life and all it has to offer?

  

Day 26: Something stinks

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 26: Something stinks

I’ve heard some people complain that they don’t have enough inspiration for their blog. They should come to my house for a week, they’ll have inspiration coming out of their ears.

For instance …

When Dieter came home yesterday, I asked him what I ask most days … “What do you want for dinner?” 

He suggested tater tots with chicken and tomatoes sprinkled with basil. That seemed like a good idea.

So off to the supermarket we went. As we wandered from aisle to aisle we picked up tomatoes, cat food, cat litter, 7Up, coffee, and lastly the frozen tater tots.

Once home I placed the tater tots and the chicken in the oven, cut the tomatoes, mixed them olive oil and went out on the balcony to cut some basil.

While waiting for the tater tots and the chicken, I made the cats their food. By the time I placed their plates on the floor they were all at their usual spot.

Instead of eating their dinner though, one after another lifted their head, stuck their noses in the air and sniffed. Greyson and Halley went outside on the balcony, while Charlotte and Holly went to my bedroom. I wondered if there was something wrong with their food. If one didn’t want to eat, he or she might not be feeling well, but all four of them …

Dieter who sat in the lounge with his laptop also stuck his nose in the air. “Pffff, the neighbors are cooking something stinky,” he commented.

This is nothing unusual. Some of the neighbors on our floor are from exotic countries and cook exotic dishes. Some produce a nice aroma, others downright stink.

Tonight, they weren’t cooking a smelly dish though, I was, and the stench came from my oven. When I opened the oven door to check I nearly keeled over … OMG what a foul smell. I didn’t understand it, I had made tater tots before and never had to deal with this kind of smell. 

When I looked at the bag, I got my answer … these were not the regular tater tots, these were tater tots with cheddar cheese.

To cut a long story short … the tater tots ended up in the bin and Dieter went to Burger King for fries.

Once the stink had cleared, the cats came back inside and finished their dinner.

Day 25: Naughty cats

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 25: Naughty cats

Whenever I hear or read that cats shouldn’t be fed table scraps, I can’t help but smile. I never feed my cats scraps, but occasionally they’ve helped themselves or at least tried to.

Yesterday I was having lunch, a sandwich with Baby Bell cheese. I got up to pour myself a drink and when I came back Charlotte was eating the Baby Bell.

Over the years there have been other incidents but none funnier than the stunt Pitoe pulled.

Pitoe was a big white cat who loved to go hunting at night. This was before indoor cats became popular, when I lived in a suburb, in a quiet street with hardly any traffic.

During the day Pitoe would sleep or groom himself, but come nightfall he would position himself at the backdoor, look at us over his shoulder and the message was clear … let me out.

He would come back a few hours later with or without the catch of the day. Sometimes it was a mouse, other times a bird.

He caught his most famous catch on a Saturday afternoon. He’d strutted into our neighbor Christiana’s garden and a few minutes later we heard her shrieking “Pitoe, come back here! Pitoe, drop it!” Then to her husband “Constant, stop that cat!”

Hearing the commotion I went outside and saw Pitoe come running into our garden with … a string of sausages in his mouth and dragging them between his paws.

Somehow we managed to stop Pitoe, take the string of half fried sausages away from him and return them to Christiane. She told us that Pitoe had taken the sausages right off the frying pan.

Having lost his loot, Pitoe was set on revenge. And he got it.

One night, Mom took three pork chops out of the freezer. Knowing that we had to go out, she put the pork chops on a plate on top of a high cabinet to defrost. When we came home Mom started dinner and took the plate off the cabinet. She was more than a little surprised when one of them was missing. Not the biggest one, not the smallest one, but the middle one.

Sometime later another stunt.

Mom had made brochettes. I was the first at the table and tried to push the meat pieces off the wooden stick with my fork. After putting some effort into it, a piece of meat suddenly came off, flew off my plate, and skidded across the table. Quick as lightning Pitoe’s paw grabbed the meat and he ran off with it.

It was only later that I learned how dangerous it is when cats eat human food. I had given one of our cats, Rocky, a piece of meat. Shortly afterward I noticed him under a chair making strange movements with his head. 

With a shock, I realized that he was choking on something. I rushed him to the vet who managed to get the piece of meat out of his throat. That was the last time I ever fed a cat off the table.

That’s not to say that they never get anything. Holly, for instance, is very fond of strawberries. 

Day 24: Not even the birds wanted my cookies

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 24: Not even the birds wanted my cookies

Someone asked me today if one of my hobbies was cooking and baking. Euh well, I cook dinner every night, but I would hardly call it a hobby. 

Am I a good cook? Well, you would have to ask my son that. I haven’t poisoned him yet, so that’s a good sign. By no stretch of the imagination am I competition for Julia Child though, so let’s just say that I’m an average cook.

As for baking … no, where it comes to baking I have two left hands. Let me tell you a story, two stories actually. Long-time readers might be familiar with the stories as they’ve been published before, but since I have quite a few new subscribers to my blog I’ll tell the stories again.

I remember the day like it was

yesterday. My son, Dieter, had his 6^th birthday coming up and I was going to make cupcakes for his party. I got all the ingredients together, mixed the dough, scooped bits of it into the paper cups and placed the lot in the oven.

“Keep an eye on them will you, Dieter,” I said. “I’m quickly gonna go and make the beds.”

It didn’t take long before he called “Ma! The cupcakes are foaming.”

I stuck my head out of one of the bedrooms. “You mean they are rising? They’re supposed to do that.”

A short while later Dieter called again. “Ma, those cupcakes are rising really high.”

“How high?” I called back.

“I don’t know,” he said, appearing in the bedroom doorway. “The oven looks like a washing machine. All foamy.”

Foamy? That didn’t sound good.

When I went to take a look, I saw right away that something had gone horribly wrong. The whole oven was full of foaming dough and it was forcing its way out through the cracks. To cut a long story short, instead of normal flour I had used self-rising flour with a good dose of yeast. It took me ages to clean the oven and Dieter got a store-bought coke for his birthday.

Not one to give up easily, I decided to try my hand at cookies. Maybe that would work better than cupcakes. I followed the instructions of the cookbook and paid attention to use the correct flour this time.

When the time came to eat the cookies Dieter took a bite and pulled a face.

“What?” I asked him.

“They’re kinda hard,” he said.

I tried one too and OMG this wasn’t a cookie, this was a stone and so were the others.

Instead of throwing them in the bin, I decided to feed them to the birds. Imagine my surprise when a couple of pigeons showed up, briefly pecked at the cookies and took off again. Not even the birds wanted my cookies!

Oh well, I could always feed them to the ducks.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” my ex said. “The ducks might sink.”

The years passed and I met someone who gave me the recipe for focaccia bread. I tried it and it came out beautiful. I tried another kind of bread and while the result was not exactly perfect, it was edible.

Something I make really well though if I say so myself, is ‘Aalsterse vlaaien’. It’s not bread and it’s not a cake, it’s a type of flan, but solid. 

Just about every woman in Aalst, Belgium, knows how to make it and being from Aalst, I too pride myself that I can make it too.

Day 23: Being photogenic

Between You, Me and the Lamp Post

Day 23: Being photogenic

Most people, when faced with having their picture taken will run for the hills, or at least to the nearest mirror. Are they wearing a flattering outfit? Do they have to refresh their makeup? Does their hair need brushing?

Animals, on the other hand, need none of this. They only have one outfit, they don’t need makeup, and while a brushing every now and then makes them look their best, even unbrushed they still look beautiful.

For those who are new to my blog, let me show you how photogenic my four furkids are. 

Charlotte (15)

Holly (5)

Halley (1,5) 

Greyson (1)

Show me one human who with all their designer clothing, top of the line makeup and expensive haircuts looks as good as these four do.

And this goes for all animals. Whether it's a cat, a dog, a bird, or any other species, all of them look better than humans do.