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Sunday, November 6, 2016

Spiders are only good for one thing …

People are weird. I’ve said it a number of times and with each passing day I’m becoming more and more convinced of it.

Have you heard the latest? A woman in Australia has rescued a spider and called it Charlotte. Yes, you read that right, she RESCUED a SPIDER!!!

Now I’m all for rescuing animals such as cats, dogs, bunnies, wolves, foxes, even certain types of birds and fish, but I draw the line at spiders. In my opinion spiders are only good for one thing … to be killed and judging by the poster above, women and men all over the world agree with me.

As for the Australian spider … it was found in a barn and according to a CNN news report the monster sports 15-inch legs – that’s 38 cm for my European readers.

I saw a picture of it, and I’m telling you, if I was to come across a spider that big, I WOULD HAVE TO BE RESCUED!

It was Dieter who told me about this particular rescue. If you think I looked up the news article online, think again. Being confronted with a spider, big or small, on my computer screen is enough for me to scream, throw my laptop away from me, and go running. I would probably survive, but my laptop might not.

While at first I wanted nothing to do with the Australian rescue, after a while my curiosity got the better of me. Being too chicken to look for the CNN article myself, I asked Dieter to do it for me. He had already seen the spider, so its size would come as no surprise to him.

While he searched on his laptop, I put some distance between myself on his computer. If I was going to see a huge spider, I wanted to do so from a few feet away. When he found the particular article he asked if I was ready and then turned the screen of the laptop toward me. And eeeeeew what a beast it was. I couldn’t imagine anyone rescuing something like that, much less a woman.

Two weeks ago, when I first shared the poster above on Facebook with friends, Andrew (not his real name) commented that spiders shouldn’t be killed, but captured and set free. He suggested getting a glass and a piece of paper. To put the glass over the spider, slide the paper between the wall, floor or ceiling, thus trapping the spider and then take it outside.

When I read that I shivered all over. Me … putting a glass over a spider and holding it in my hand to take it outside … no way, not for a million dollars. And I mean that, if someone was to offer me big money to rescue a spider I would never get to enjoy it as I would suffer a heart attack in the process. Not a hair on my head actually considers doing such a thing.

Yet another friend, let’s called her Maureen, send me a video of a contraption to capture a spider and set it free again. The contraption looks a little like a dishwashing brush. The plan is to open the brush, put it over the spider (effectively capturing it between the bristles), closing the brush and then releasing the spider in the yard.

With all due respect Maureen, you can keep this contraption. I have NO intention of EVER using it. No way am I going to capture a spider between those bristles, walk with the monster less than 8 inches away from me, and releasing it, free to scare the bejeezus out of someone else.

Besides, even if I was brave enough to capture a spider, what would I do with it? I live on the 11th floor of a condo building … would I drop the spider off the balcony? If I did there would be three possibilities:

1. The spider would land in the grass below and run away

2. It would hurt one of its eight legs, be unable to move and die a slow death

3. Catch a strong gush of wind while being dropped and land on a balcony below mine

Just imagine if it was to land ON someone. The poor man, woman or child might scream and suffer a heart attack.

No, I’m much more in favor of what an Australian friend did. She recently felled a tree, a couple of spiders as such became homeless and went running in her yard. Amanda (not her real name) didn’t think twice. She sprinted to her barn, grabbed a pitchfork, ran back to where the spiders were, raised the pitchfork a few times and killed the lot of them (or as many as she could hit).

Me and spiders … we are sworn enemies.

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